Relationship jokes
Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
- The silence.
I was walking this hot girl home, then she noticed me, then the walk turned into a run.
Girl: "...I like you... do you like me back?"
Me: "Nope."
Girl: *is depressed* "Oh okay...."
Me: "You never said \"love\"".
Girl: "Oh! well do you love me?"
Me: "Frick no."
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?
She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!
What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.
Two girls have a sleepover.
Karen: Let's go to bed.
Lauren: Fine, but it's early.
*Karen wakes up and exits room*
*Lauren hears noise*
Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.
Lauren: *laughs*
Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*
How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dad's c**k tastes like s**t!
Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?
A. A boner.
Your mom is like a penny: two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants.
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't, they just eat out.
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!
What do you call a cup with a handle?
A mug! HAHA ha... My parents just got a divorce :(