Relationship jokes
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.
Me: Guess who came crawling right back?
Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend? - Because he needed some space.
Girlfriends are just like AK47s; they always go off on you.
Girl: "...I like you... do you like me back?"
Me: "Nope."
Girl: *is depressed* "Oh okay...."
Me: "You never said \"love\"".
Girl: "Oh! well do you love me?"
Me: "Frick no."
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
- The silence.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?
She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!
Two girls have a sleepover.
Karen: Let's go to bed.
Lauren: Fine, but it's early.
*Karen wakes up and exits room*
*Lauren hears noise*
Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.
Lauren: *laughs*
Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*
What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.
How do you know your sister is on her period? Your dad's c**k tastes like s**t!
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good, then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?
A. A boner.
My ex was an orphan as a child.
I should have taken that as the first sign.
If her parents didn't want her, why would I?
Your mom is like a penny: two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants.
What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't, they just eat out.
Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?
Only the wife was hung up.
I said to my pregnant wife, "Push, darling, come on, push harder, dear!" No, she wasn't giving birth; the bloody car would not start.
Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?
It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.
If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?