Relationship jokes

Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights, especially the right to remain silent, because all appliances should be silent.

What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?

A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

A teenage boy decides to go see a hooker for the first time and asks his experienced uncle for some tips.

"Uncle, what should I do about the hooker name? Should I ask her real name or should I come up with a name for her myself?"

"Kid, I've been fucking hookers for 20 years and I didn't even know they had names."

What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?

You don’t need parental consent.

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮‍💨

My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.

Hey girl, are you a drill sergeant, because you have my privates' attention.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

Hey girl, are you suicide? 'Cause I think of you everyday.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

Why don’t you see gay orphans at a daycare?

They have no one to call "daddy."

So, my girlfriend left me. I took her wheelchair, and she came back crawling.

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.

Are you a walnut, because I'm about to nut all over your walls!

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

How to get a girl in three steps:

Step 1: grab a pillow.

Step 2: grab a blanket.

Step 3: keep dreaming.

A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.