What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
Me: Are you okay?
Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.
"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"
"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."
Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂
If I told you, you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
Top tip; if your wife asks, "What would you like to do to my body?" 'Identify it' is the wrong answer.
Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?
Son: Ok dad.
AFTER TEST
Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?
Son: Son?
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.
Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video."
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"
When you meet your gf at the family reunion.
If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
What's the difference between my mum and my dad?
My mum stayed.
Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."
