Relationship jokes

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction!

I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, and the middle one is for you.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?

It's not you, it's a-me, Mario!

Why can't an orphan be gay?

Because they have no one to call daddy.

Me: Can I get your mom's number?

Friend: Here you go:

Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.

Yo mama is so stupid, because when she gave birth to you, she asked for a receipt!

A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.

The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."

The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"

My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.

What is a threesome with 3 guys?

Gay sex and a witness.

Incest is wincest. (That was above.)

Fun for the whole family!

Next of kin, count me in!

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

"Wait, I can explain everything!"

My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.