Relationship Jokes

Wife: Stop telling rape jokes, it's not funny. Husband: Who raped you this morning?

I had sex with my dog once, and my cat hissed at me for not doing her.

Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.

What is the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

So my son came up to me and said, "Hey, Dad, I’m hungry." So I replied "Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad."

And then I feed him my dick.

he gay

The image shows Megamind, a blue animated character, looking up. There is a smaller figure standing near the side of his face. In the background is a second person looking at Megamind. Text above the image reads, "When your friend tells your crush that you like her so you tell his crush he's gay." Text on the image says: "Oh you're a villain alright, just not a super one!"

Hi, I did not get your text. I texted you when I texted you. You are not [responding].

A killer gone up to 5 people and killed 4 of them. There were 2 couples and 1 third wheel. The 5th one was left single out...

My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.

You and your mom.

Why doesn't Batman need Robin as a wingman?

Because he has no problem robbin' your girl.

I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.

I don't ever really bother women, but when I do, I usually just want to talk. I guess since I just so happened to be a straight male that's not a 10 or a 5, I get shutdown so fast. I put out lit candles...like damn, I thought I hid my ring.

I have a brother and he told me this quote, "No wonder they had a second child, they messed up on the first one." He’s the second child... I’m the first...

I was in a toxic relationship. After some time, my girlfriend died. Her name was Happy. Still got no clue of her body, and here I am lying on the bed so fucking happy.

Kid: I don't want to go to the movies.

Mom: Shut your mouth and clean my room!

True Story

A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"

The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.

What did one cheese say to the other cheese?

"Hello, it's a nice day, do you have any plans on what you're going to do?"... The other cheese was taken back by his politeness and friendliness, they agreed to meet again, and were soon married and lived happily ever after. Let this tale of the two cheeses inspire you to be a better person.