Relationship jokes

My Indian wife said last night if her fanny would taste like vindaloo curry, I said I've smelt your fucking armpits, you've got no chance.

The other day my mom called me a retard.

I'm now an orphan.

A penis has a bad life. His neighbor is an asshole, his friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.

Why did Karen leave me?

Because I was a mushroom.

My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"

So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.

What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"

A dad asked his son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday, and he replied, "How about a urinal cake?!"

So I came across a guy who was carrying a ton of clothing and makeup.

And I asked him what he is doing.

Guy: Some kawaii girl told me if I bought and brought her this crap, she would let me play with her tits.

Me: Erm... Are you a simp?

Two minutes later, the guy arrived at Kawaii Girl's house.

KG: You have it?

Guy: Yup, now can I play with them?

KG: Sure!

KG then went to her room.

Guy: Ohhhh, I know what your going to do. You're gonna call me over and you will be-

KG then held a bird cage with two birds in it.

KG: Have fun playing with them!

Guy: WHAT THE FU-

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

Incest is wincest.

If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your mom.

Your mom who?

O shit, my mom's home! Honey, get the f*** out of my house!

So I stayed at my friend's house for a few days, and I was like, "OMG, why?" So, I am going home because I’m going to my best friend's house.

Mia: I'm pregnant again, Paul. I can't wait for you to come home.

Paul: I got a tree to hit on the way.

The only reason gay people exist is because they couldn't get the opposite gender.

What are the odds of you being in a relationship that is going on in the next few months?

My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!

A hand is always sad when it sees a dick is going inside.

Why can’t organs have a family bag of chips?

Because they have no family to share it with.

Jack and Jill went up a hill, each with a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down, and she had two-fifty! Oh, what a whore! (Andrew Dice Clay joke.)