Relationship jokes

Mia: I'm pregnant again, Paul. I can't wait for you to come home.

Paul: I got a tree to hit on the way.

I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

A couple enters a Chinese restaurant and takes their seats.

The waiter asks, "想吃什么 (Xiang Chi Shen Ma)?"

The wife responds, "吃鸡巴 (Chi Ji Ba)!"

Yo momma's so gay, you sucked her balls.

What do you call a dick that doesn't fit in an asshole?

A misfit.

I'm ashamed to admit feeling proud of the rape joke I posted and what went on between me and your mum.

Oh, brother!

Jack and Jill went up a hill, each with a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down, and she had two-fifty! Oh, what a whore! (Andrew Dice Clay joke.)

Random guy: Hi, how old are you?

Me: 15

The guy: You're so young, age is just a number.

Me: Do you know what else is a number?

The guy: What?

Me: 911

Dark humor leave if sensitive: Wives are like grenades: pull the ring, and the house is gone.

These days, dating life is hard. You put yourself out there, and it's hard to find someone. The only thing to do is turn to family.

I caught my wife having s*x with another guy.

I miss Gwen.

Family feud after finding out about Alabama.

The top worst thing for an orphan, and probably the most awkward one, is when they're having sex and the other person is calling them "mommy" or "daddy."

What do you call your mom? Gay.

What actor do orphans hate?

Dom Terreto (family).

Why do a woman like to have sex with the lights off?

They can't stand to see a man have a good time.