Relationship jokes

Every time I come in the kitchen, my girl is in the kitchen in the damn refrigerator eating all the food, like the fried chicken, the mashed potatoes, the collard greens, mac and cheese, and the cornbread.

Then I said I wanna eat some of that shit. I love soul food. Then I told her, "You keep it up; your fat ass is going to be big like the house on Haunted Hill."

Highest level of insult by a girl by seeing a guy's dick:

"I can shit bigger logs than that thing of your's" 🤣

My nan's gayyyyyy.

A 60 year old man said his wife called him a paedophile the other day, strong words for a 6 year old.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: .....it...

Friend: No

Me: *smiles* GETS BEAT BY THE MISTRESS AND GETS SCOLDED BY THE MASTER!!!

Friend: Why are you like this?

One day I saw my friend in a hospital bed. He told me to call 911. Instead, I called his parents.

I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

Doctor: I'm sorry, but you still have 10 seconds left.

Man: What?! What about my family?! My son is still missing! I can't just leave like that!

Doctor: Don't worry sir, I told your family.

Man: That's... great... if they found my son, tell them that I love him more than anything and I couldn't keep that promise.

The doctor watches the man closing his eyes while tears fell down from his eyes.

Doctor: I will... dad...

Tq for reading my crappy joke.

Why did my wife leave me?

I wish I knew.

A good man deserves a queen who will pussy slide on his penis casually, frig him with her thighs like a prostitute, make him laugh like a homie, cook like his mama.

Wife: Stop telling rape jokes, it's not funny. Husband: Who raped you this morning?

I had sex with my dog once, and my cat hissed at me for not doing her.

Jack and Jill went up a hill so Jill could lick Jack's candystick, but Jill got a surprise when she saw her boyfriend Rik. He got so angry Jack has no candystick no more. Jill went home with a black eye, and Rik got arrested for cutting Jack's candystick.

What is the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your whole day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

So my son came up to me and said, "Hey, Dad, I’m hungry." So I replied "Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad."

And then I feed him my dick.

Hi, I did not get your text. I texted you when I texted you. You are not [responding].

A killer gone up to 5 people and killed 4 of them. There were 2 couples and 1 third wheel. The 5th one was left single out...

My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.

You and your mom.