Relationship jokes

If two stoners get married, do they have joint assets?

I was at my grandpa's this weekend and I sent my online girlfriend nudes, and when I sent them, my grandpa's phone went off, so he went on his phone, then my girlfriend replied.

Mom: Remember, you can tell me anything.

Abbie: I had sex with dad.

Mom: Go die in a hole!

What’s the difference between an orphan and a flower? One of them gets picked.

Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.

Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."

(Me) Hey bro, tell me a joke!

(My friend) Your mom. *Starts Laughing*

(Me) *Fakes laughs* *then points a gun at him*

At this moment, he knew he fucked up.

My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.

A man walked into the kitchen and asked his blonde wife what she was doing. She said, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle. It's supposed to be a tiger, but all of the pieces are brown." Her husband then said, "Honey, those are frosted flakes."

Are you a race car?

Cuz I’m tryna fuck.

You know we straight with doin' your mom.

Hi! I love my dog.

About to go on a date.

But she was late.

So I got some tape.

And eventually punished her with rape.

My wife said if I rape her again, she would leave me. Why didn't anyone tell me it was that easy?

The only reason gay people exist is because they couldn't get the opposite gender.

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

John took a bath with bubbles.

Bubbles was a man.

My dad hits me :(

Why does it take longer for women to orgasm than men?

Who cares?

Can you fuck me, please?

Why can't orphans have sex?

Because they have no one to call "daddy."