Relationship jokes

How to give a good hand job?

Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.

None of you ever touch my penis.

Are you a toaster, because I want to have a bath with you.

I can't sit down anymore... My dad went too far this time.

Friend A: "Why are you still a virgin, bro?"

Friend B: "I was until last night."

Friend A: "Nah, nah, who with?"

Friend B: "Your sister."

Friend A: "I don't have a sister."

Friend B: "Just wait 9 months, you'll see."

We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.

What’s the difference between a woman and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”

Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

Both man and woman have balls, but they like to play with the ball of each other because a person always loves what they don't have. 😁

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

What is a "dad?"

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.

Why do orphans have sex?

To call someone "daddy"!

Why do I have a fat mom?

I read the chapter of numbers, but nowhere did I ever see your number.

Girl: "Come over."

Orphan: "I can't."

Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"

Orphan: "Just two things I don't have."

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I need your peach, and I'll torture you with a speech.

I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!

"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.

"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.

"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"

"You getting kicked out, bro?"

"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."

"Is she one of them woke bitches?"