Relationship jokes
My crush: OMG, my dog just died!😭😭😭😭😭
Me: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I am here for you!
My crush: I have a boyfriend...🙄
Me: Yeah well, I have a dog.
My mom showed me that she could deep throat a banana. I asked my mom how you know how to do that. My mom said, "I practice on your new stepfather."
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
"Today was the worst day ever." "Why?" Because my ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"
Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."
I dicked your mom down so good, bitch!
I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
My I.
May I who?
May I put this pussy on your mouth?
What’s the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message
Yesterday, I tickled my granddaughter's feet.
She is being born in 2 months.
The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”
Okay, boys are known to measure their dicks, but do girls measure their depths?
Yo mama so fat, that’s why people don’t want to marry her, except for fat guys.
I like my men like I like my Alexa:
By my bed and turned on.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
20 years of sex in the dark, the wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick." The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch."
Are you a volcano? Because you're hot and I really lava you!
What do you call a selfie of an orphan? A family photo.
To Mr. Nice Guy, you are nice, sweet, and caring! I am so grateful to be your friend!