Relationship jokes

Hey mum, why do people keep suddenly dying in our family?

Mum?

Mum?

Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

A couple has sex in the dark every single night.

One night, the wife gets curious about what goes on, so they start f...ing, and she flicks the light on. When she flicks the light on, she catches him with a dildo playing with her pussy. She's so mad that she started ranting and raving. The husband says, "Honey, I know you're mad, and I'll explain the toy. Just do me one favor: explain the children."

I finally got my wife to shut up.

Who knew all I had to do was bury her alive all these years, ha! Try telling me to get my feet off the couch now, Karen!

I fucked my mom.

My boyfriend recently asked me to suck his cock. I was kinda nervous because I’ve never tasted a dick, but he said it doesn’t taste that bad, so I’ll give it a shot.

What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?

Condoms!

What's the best thing about having sex with a 26-year-old?

There's 20 of them.

1, 2, 3, 4, your sis is such a whore,

5, 6, 7, 8, she has cum on her face.

Babe, it's over.

After all I've done for you? Wow! I cheated on you with your sister anyway.

I meant the movie...

Ugh, don't you just hate it when you're having sex and your parents walk in the room and say, "No more dead babies for your mister, we are running low!"

Wife is texting husband:

"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"

Husband: "seilghsielguG"

Wife: "Seriously, David?"

Husband: "fuweyadb"

John took a bath with bubbles.

Bubbles was a man.

One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.

Why does it take longer for women to orgasm than men?

Who cares?

My dad hits me :(

What happened to the woman who dated a rapist?

She was date raped.

What has 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 breasts for milking, and a hole to fill with my 9 inches?

A sexy female.

I got my sister a book and she cried there, but I forgot she was blind.

What’s the difference between an orphan and a flower? One of them gets picked.

Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.

Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."