Relationship jokes

I walk in on my mum and she's in the middle of pulling off my dad's boxers. I said, "Mum, you really spoil those dogs!"

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mom." "Your mom who?" "It's not your mom, it's my mom!"

As I was eating this girl out, I thought I tasted some horse semen... I exclaimed, "Oh, Grandma! That's how you died!"

Masochists and sadists are made for each other.

The emo kid wanted a high five. I left him hanging, so did the tree.

Why are orphans' funerals so small?

They have no loved ones.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Are you a haunted house?

Cuz I am gonna be screaming when I come inside you.

I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.

To Mr. Nice Guy, you are nice, sweet, and caring! I am so grateful to be your friend!

I was stark nude. Hehe, I was. I truly and sincerely was.

The nurses giggled and said, "Joseph, why the hell is your wiener so loving?"

My penis purred and stroked their hands. I laughed and said, "I do not know."

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.

Wanna touch my shirt? It's made of boyfriend/girlfriend/partner material.

I'm throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants.

Let me know if you can't cum.

"Vladymoron Pootin and Drunkard Chump sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

What's one plus one?

Yo mama.

My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.

Don't take my posts seriously, take them like your ex took you—as a joke.

I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?

My Dad: Son, history always repeats itself.

Me: So you're gonna leave me again?