Relationship jokes
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
Why can’t orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy".
If boys are like sports because they are easy to play, then girls are like a sandwich. They are nice at first, but they're crusty after.
Three guys are standing in an alley on an alien planet, and the psycho one says, "However many tits your girl has is how many balls you have!"
The first guy says, "Ha! My girlfriend has six! I'm racked up!" The second guy said, "Eh, I am happy with two balls." The third guy said, "Shit! My girlfriend is flat as fuck!"
A guy listening in enters and says, "Bro, you actually have girlfriends. I do not. Does that mean I have a pussy?"
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they have no one to call "Daddy!"
A fan gave another fan a blowjob.
What is Alabama’s family tree? A circle.
Roses are red, violets are blue, when I saw you I thought you can mix too.
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
What's the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness.
Why is my dad gone?
I don't know.
I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.
My wife is like a mirror.
I can never look at it.
Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.
Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer."
Are you a ghost train? Because I am going to scream when I ride you.
What do you call an orphan's family picture? A self-portrait.
My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"
I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"
She said, "Why?"
I said, "'Cause it's your twin."
A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.
Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."
Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."
"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."
Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.