Relationship jokes

Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.

Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-

Me: Lower lips.

Friend: I gotta go.

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

Why is parking a car like finding a girlfriend?

All the good ones are taken, so you stick it in the disabled one and hope nobody notices.

Son: Dad, am I adopted?

Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

Wanna hear a good joke?

My dad’s love for me.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

Kenny can't find a girlfriend because neither of his sisters can fuck as good as his mom could.

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.

"Was it hung?" her friend asks.

"No, he was shot."

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?

Breakfast in bed!

What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.

A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy. The guy takes off his shirt, she says, "Oh, what chest!" "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby," he replies. Then he takes off his pants, she says, "Oh, what legs!" He says, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby." After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running. He catches her and says, "Why were you running?" She said, "I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."