Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.
Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-
Me: Lower lips.
Friend: I gotta go.
What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.
The dick said to the ass, "this place is a shit hole."
The ass replied, "Yes, but you still keep coming."
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
Wanna hear a good joke?
My dad’s love for me.
When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.
The orphan: why don't my parents love me? Me: because you don't have any.
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?
Breakfast in bed!
A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy. The guy takes off his shirt, she says, "Oh, what chest!" "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby," he replies. Then he takes off his pants, she says, "Oh, what legs!" He says, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby." After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running. He catches her and says, "Why were you running?" She said, "I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."
Bully: Hey virgin!
Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.
Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.
Victim: Just wait nine months.
What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.
Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."
When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.
A man asked his girlfriend what she wanted to eat one night, and she said "Chinese food," so he took her to China. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Indian," so he took her to India. The next night, he asked her again. She said, "Nothin'," so he took her to Africa.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
My girlfriend called me a pedophile but what does she know, She's 7
What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.
