Relationship jokes
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.
Wife: "Hi honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not...."
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
What's the difference between a phone and a girl? You can turn it off whenever you want.
Me: I kiss my mom on the lips.
Friend: Uh, I guess that's somewhat nor-
Me: Lower lips.
Friend: I gotta go.
Bestfriend meme
Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.
Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA
Son: Dad, am I adopted?
Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?
Bully: Hey virgin!
Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.
Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.
Victim: Just wait nine months.
Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?
Donald Trump can only F@#k up.
Kenny can't find a girlfriend because neither of his sisters can fuck as good as his mom could.
My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.
What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.
I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.
So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.
I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.
The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.
It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.
One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
A necrophiliac woman goes over to her friend's house after hooking up.
"Was it hung?" her friend asks.
"No, he was shot."
What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?
Breakfast in bed!
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy. The guy takes off his shirt, she says, "Oh, what chest!" "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby," he replies. Then he takes off his pants, she says, "Oh, what legs!" He says, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby." After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running. He catches her and says, "Why were you running?" She said, "I didn't wanna be in there once I've seen how small the fuse was."