Relationship jokes

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?

Because he’s a fungi.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

Rey: Join me, Ben, you don't have to be alone anymore, join me.

Ben: But Rey, I've always been solo.

There was a girl I used to date, only to find out that she used to be a man. You could say, she put me in a trans.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.

Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.