Relationship jokes

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?

Because he’s a fungi.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

Ariana Grande had 7 husbands, so she had 7 rings.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Why can't an orphan be gay? Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy."

What is happening? Which is better: being loved or being hated? State your answer.

Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.