Relationship jokes

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”

I like my women the way I like my coffee, and I don't drink coffee.

Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

Ariana Grande had 7 husbands, so she had 7 rings.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

Why can't an orphan be gay? Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy."

What is happening? Which is better: being loved or being hated? State your answer.

Once an orphan got a girlfriend. He regretted it. She left him too.

Hickory dickory dock. My wife avoids my cock. She's losing her and having an affair. So I had to slap Chris Rock.

What do you call a lesbian with braces? A box cutter.

Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.

Visiting Alabama? Pop-up dating ads be like: "Never be lonely at cousinsonly.com."

Rey: Join me, Ben, you don't have to be alone anymore, join me.

Ben: But Rey, I've always been solo.

My girlfriend called me pedophile today.

Big word for a 12-year-old.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"