Relationship jokes

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

I once told Siri, "Hey Siri, why am I still single?" She opened the front camera.

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

Alabama.

Every time there's a family reunion, a baby is born 9 months later.

What did the baby cow say to the mommy cow when he saw a hamburger?

"Mommy, is that Uncle Joe?"

One day I got home and told my girlfriend, "I cheated on you." She replied with, "F**k you!" I then said, "But you won't, that's why I cheated on you."

Why does Ms. Mushroom 🍄 go out with Mr. Mushroom 🍄?

Because he’s a fungi.

Relationships are like fat people.

Most of them don’t work out.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific, so I said,

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

I lost my virginity to a girl with Down syndrome.

I want my first time to be special.

What’s something you might say at sea, but not at your partner?

Land ho!

What does a one-night stand have in common with earthquakes? You never know how long they'll last.

How do you stop a woman from choking?

Back up an inch.

I think my family is racist.

I brought a black girl home, and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”

Dad: “Call me George.”