Relationship jokes

What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?

It’s just a rental.

I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.

Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.

So, me and my girlfriend that I just got 7 weeks ago, we’re in class. We had this sub named Mrs. Bellatrix.

We both raised our hands and she called on both of us.

Me: First of all, are we in kindergarten? We can’t be doing 4x4 kinda stuff.

Leah: And also, are you from Harry Potter?

Angela: Kris, I just met the nicest, sweetest guy ever.

Kristie: Who is he and what is his name?

Angela: His name is Kevin.

Kristie: Kevin? I remember him. He said he had to go to Italy for a meeting, never seen him after that. What the hell is Kevin doing here?

Angela: I don't know.

Attention! Has anyone noticed that Watersharky and Kitten are dating? It's strange because they haven't said anything for 28 DAYS!!! They been keeping it a secret...(I guess). Someone needs to keep track of this. GOD, I just thought further into life with their relationship. DON'T DO THAT.

Daughter: So, I got my period.

Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?

Why does an orphan want to be a prostitute?

Because they want to call someone "daddy."

Why can’t orphans be gay?

They have nobody to call "daddy."

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cell phone.

Girlfriend's ex: Why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die.

Roses are red, violets are blue, When I take out the trash, I remember you.

Why can't orphans have sex?

Because they have no one to call "daddy."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high, touched Jill's thigh, and said, "I know you wanna."

But silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a kid.

Son: Hey, Dad, I'm cold. Can you give me a lift from work?

Dad: Hi Cold, nice to meet you. Sorry, I don't pick up strangers.

Son: I hate you!

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

Do you know why orphans can't get married?

Because they will never get their parents' blessing.

Hi, my name is Uncle Joe, and I like kids in a way that makes their parents not trust me anymore.

The bully says, "Your mom!" The girl says, "Is sleeping with your dad."

I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.

We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.

Little Johnny was learning about anal sex, when he learned what it was he said, "My uncle just calls this shhhhh..."