Relationship jokes
"Hey, today was great!"
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car!"
Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”
Friend: Ok?
Me: I'mma hit puberty!
*hits my friend*
The other day my wife told me to pass her her lipstick, but I accidently passed her a glue stick... she still isn't talking to me.
Stephen Hawking went on a date last night.
She left after 15 minutes, complaining she didn't like his tone.
Dear algebra,
I don't want to find your X. I don't know Y she left you.
Willy Wonka meme
My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.
Me: God, Bryce, do we really have to talk about this again?
Bryce: What?
Me: You're still talking shit!! I already told you! It's 9 inches! Stop saying it's 3!
P.S. I'm a girl.
Hi Mom, how are you doing?
"Hi, honey, how do you want buns?"
What are twins’ favorite fruit?
Pairs 🍐.
"Doin' your mom, doin', doin' your mom."
Every single person on the plane died except for 2. How is that possible?
It said all the single people died; the 2 were a couple. That's how it was possible.
What do you call a mom that is yours?
Your mom!
I don't have any friends.
If you like this, I can be your friend :)
So funny hahaha this is why I don't have friends :(
Do you love water?
Then you love 75% of me!
Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”
Repost
Family are together playing charades.
Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!
Some dude: Water you thinking?
Me: You're drowning in my head.
Why doesn't the orphan date the girl?
Because she is a home-y.