Relationship jokes

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

Why did the skeleton not go to prom?

Because he had no body to go with.

My friend looks more red than Mr. Krabs.

It’s weird, I could’ve sworn I saw the silhouette of a belt hurling towards him the other day.

Your mum is so fat, all her relationships are long distance.

One man's trash is another man's treasure, he said when he found out his parents split up and he is being adopted.

Why can't orphans be gay?

'Cause they have no one to call "daddy."

What do you do when your man doesn't like fruit jokes?

Let the mango.

Depresso Exspresso let's be friends, please.

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?"

"Why should it?" answered her spouse. "I keep telling them it's for you."

For some reason, my mom likes to lick and suck on hotdogs. As a son, can anyone tell me why?

I photo bombed someone's selfie, and then they yelled, "Why would you do that? I was trying to take a family photo!"

When you realize your friend standing next to you is adopted and narrates everything he does.

If a woman says she needs to set boundaries between you and her, you would be crossing it if you are a Mexican.

"(My beard actually connects.)" "Like the connection you never had with your father."

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"

Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*

You don't have to worry about running while boys are around. Even I can't see anything there.

What's the difference between sex and gender?

You can't have gender with your sister.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.