Relationship jokes

You’ve got something on your face. Wait, no, it’s just missing something. My dick.

We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.

What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?

Me time.

What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?

"Where are the kids?"

How do you break up a fight between two gay men?

Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer."

What does broccoli and sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

Why are black men's eyes always red after sex?

From the mace.

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

What do you call a guy who loves to eat out a hoe's pussy?

Answer: a Carnivwhore.

Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed."