Relationship jokes

What did the melon say to the avocado when he proposed?

Can't elope.

Why is daonlyjuanhere an orphan?

Because he is the only one.

I love friends.

Hi! I love when you walk in and out the door at night. I did not.

I have fun with my friends.

I love you, Hebrew John.

My brothers kept annoying me.

I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

Knock knock, Who's there? Dad. You came back?

How did the skeleton win the girl? He was humerus.

"Mhm... So you're gay?" -Darling

Roses are red, violets are blue; blood's thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.

Man, I don’t need Viagra when I see Mara!

Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

Girls: Boys are like games, they're meant to get played.

Boys: Girls are like stones, the flat ones get skipped.

What does broccoli and sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."