Relationship jokes

A woman having labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said Doc to the worried husband.

“Those are just contractions.”

If you text your crush and they leave you on read, just know that "read" has four letters. You know what also has four letters? "Mine." So that basically means that you are theirs. :)

What's a lesbian's favorite weapon?

A finger-gun👉👌

Me: Breathe right now if you wanna date me.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

In a lesbian relationship, which feminazi cooks?

None, both carpet munchers eat out.

Me when people ask how old my girlfriends are:

"There's 2, there're 4, there're 6, there're 8."

What’s the difference between milk and the air?

At least the air will always be there for me.

I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.

How did a man know his wife died?

Dishis start piling up.

When I get jokes. They aren't f****** restarted like you.

My sister.

What's the difference between friends and family?

One is actually real.

A proud father has six children. He always calls his wife "mother of six" to her displeasure.

One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mom of six, we're going now." She replies: "I'll be right there, father of four."

Why are life and a penis alike?

Women make both of them hard.

She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.

Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?

Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.

What’s the best part of fucking Noor’s vulva (btw Noor is black)? If my dick is right beside Mara’s vulva (btw Mara’s white and so am I).

Man, I don’t need Viagra when I see Mara!

What does broccoli and sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you’re gonna hate it as an adult.