Relationship jokes
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.
So she gave me a hug.
How do you know when a joke has turned into a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
"Your mum has very small balls. Congrats! I told her, your balls are bigger than your husband's."
I am Mario's brother.
Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I see myself in them.
Memes
His gay ass dad.
Your mom.
My mom told me to go to bed, but then I grabbed a drink and went in their room to say goodnight, and they looked like Adam and Eve on steroids!
My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.
What do guns and gum have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
What do you call a selfie that an orphan takes?
A family picture.
What do orphans call a family picture?
A selfy.
I bought this happy birthday card for this orphan.
To: The Orphan
From: ______
Everybody add @christianisni22 on Snap!
He's a hot babe and he's single.
Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.
Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.
Mom: Witherspoon.
Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!
Organise my brother's bucks party and got confused when he asked for a hot 22 year old for I brought him 20 two yr Olds....
Good thing my brother's a little bit different.
Hailey: "Hey Brayden!"
Brayden: "Hey!"
*Music roles around*
*I tell Brayden Hailey likes him*
Brayden: "O_O"
Hailey: *Hides*
So sad </3 xD
I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."
Girls are like bacteria. The toxic ones are everywhere, and you have to take special care of the good ones.