Relationship jokes
Roses are red, violets are blue, When I see you, I play with my poo.
My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"
I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"
She said, "Why?"
I said, "'Cause it's your twin."
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.
Son: Hey Dad, can I play Fortnite?
Dad: I don't know, do you want a girlfriend?
Why are wives also called a housekeeper?
Because after the divorce, they keep the house.
What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?
"Billie Jean is not my lover!"
Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Foreplay in may areas: "You awake?"
Way down South: "You awake, mom?"
What does Nemo have in common with my dad?
They both can't be found.
Kenny: "Tyler, you're lucky you're adopted."
Tyler: "Why?"
Kenny: "Because you can fuck your mom without getting arrested for incest."
Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.
Some dude called me a tool.
So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.
Guess he was right :/
Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.
Hate me all you want, but I gotta say, this whole thing with Gwen and TJ is ridiculous.
I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.
What is the difference between a normal joke and a dad joke?
When it leaves and never comes back.
Imagine not having parents. Lol.
Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?
Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.
Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.
5 minutes later
Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?
Teacher, the one sucking it?
Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.
Mom: That's why your dad left you.
Me: Why?
Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.
Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!
Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!
(This actually did happen in real life.)