Relationship jokes

What did Michael Jackson say before he broke up with Billie Jean?

"Billie Jean is not my lover!"

Kenny: "Tyler, you're lucky you're adopted."

Tyler: "Why?"

Kenny: "Because you can fuck your mom without getting arrested for incest."

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

Hate me all you want, but I gotta say, this whole thing with Gwen and TJ is ridiculous.

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.

Son: Hey Dad, can I play Fortnite?

Dad: I don't know, do you want a girlfriend?

Why are wives also called a housekeeper?

Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

Me and my girlfriend broke up, so I took her wheelchair, and she came crawling back.

What do you call an orphan's family photo?

A selfie.

Roses are red, violets are blue, When I see you, I play with my poo.

Teacher, there are 3 birds. 1 gets shot. How many are left?

Student, none. They flew off because the shot scared them off.

Teacher, actually 2, but I like the way you think.

5 minutes later

Student, there are 3 women eating ice cream. 1 is licking it, 1 is drinking it melted, and 1 is sucking it. Which one is married?

Teacher, the one sucking it?

Student, no, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think.

Mom: That's why your dad left you.

Me: Why?

Mom: I mean look at you, depressed, suicidal, and unhappy, always anxious, and other mental health issues.

Me: How is that my fault? You are a rude mom!

Mom: Your dad had a heart attack two weeks before you were born, because you are ugly!

(This actually did happen in real life.)

Hey guys, it's Hailey here.

I'ma start off with henlo ;-;

I know you guys aren't going to believe me because of the assholes who were faking to be me, but if you can try to believe me, I'll explain.

So, Jake, we can't really be together anymore, since we no longer can chat. I'm so sorry.

Basically, my parents caught us on here as you realized. Yayyyy.

I don't have time to say anything else. So I've gotta go, but thankyou guys for everything you did for me.

Also, you won't get any response from me so yea. So sorry guys ;-;

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck it off...

A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."

A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks, "Did you get her number?"

He replies, "No, but it's okay, I'll see her at the next family reunion!"