My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
Call her on the phone.
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
Just because she weighed as much as two women...
Doesn't mean you had a threesome.
What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wipe his ass.
