What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?
A widow.
Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.
But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex? -- Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.
I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
