What do you call useless skin on a penis?
A man.
When you're watching "Gnomeo and Juliet 2" and your dad walks in on the gnome shaking his butt.
Bully: Ha, guess what?
Nerd: What?
Bully: You are adopted.
Nerd: At least I was wanted!
(amazing pick up line) Yoo, what if we got matching tattoos? You get two towers and I get a plane, because I crashed right into your life!
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her.
Me: "WYD?"
Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."
Me: "Without me? Lol"
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
Me: And this is the room I cry in.
Date: You've said that about every room.
Me: Correct!
I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.
I'll let you decide.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
What’s the difference between a mistake and an orphan?
At least the mistake was loved.
Last night I shared a bed with two of my friends because we were in a small hotel. We had strange dreams last night.
My friend on the left dreamed of getting a handjob.
So did my friend on the right.
I had a dream of skiing.
Why did the hooker fall in love? Stockholm syndrome.
What do my cock and money have in common?
Your mom.
How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.
I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.
Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.
When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.
I revealed my dick to my girlfriend.
As she saw it, she said, "Nevermind, just finger me."
My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has disappeared.
I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy--and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad, I let her draw things on my body.
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
