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I was at a bar. The girl said, "Sex, sex, free sex tonight," when she really said, "663629."

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

Why is the Rubik’s cube record holder always American?

Because Americans are really good at separating colors.

I dated a girl, and I didn’t know she was previously in an abusive relationship.

I thought she just REALLY hated high-fives.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.

Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:

1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.

The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"