Really jokes

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?

They both get really high.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

"How would you describe a really bad skeleton?"

"Bad to the bone!" (Or "Rotten to the bone" if you want.)

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

What word starts with n and ends with r and you wouldn’t wanna call a Black person?

You really thought n****r, didn't you?

I was at a bar. The girl said, "Sex, sex, free sex tonight," when she really said, "663629."

I like your cut, G.

*Slaps really hard*

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

I think I would like a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing.

"A dyslexic atheist lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog."

Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?

I really hit the mother lode with you!

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

Why is the Rubik’s cube record holder always American?

Because Americans are really good at separating colors.

I dated a girl, and I didn’t know she was previously in an abusive relationship.

I thought she just REALLY hated high-fives.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.

Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:

1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.