I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
Not a joke but there's nowhere else to post this, (mainly this post is for the broke people without a gym). Did you know that the body can't tell if you're using weights? So lifting weights are optional.
Some beginner workouts without weights for like really weak people:
1. Sit-ups 10 reps 2. Push-ups 20 per reps 3. Squats 10 per reps 4. Crunches 10 per reps
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
I met a girl that was 6'5" and she fell on 9/11 and broke her arm. She really said "oh snap" like a twin tower.
Did you know I'm a really fast reader?
I can go through a few stories in just a few seconds!
I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.
I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.
I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.
Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.
You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.
A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.
The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"
Damn, the guy who made the "Whip/Nae Nae" song really made his cousin go Silento.
"Watch out, plane! Wait, really? I ordered pepperoni."
We should really stop making jokes about orphans. Their parents will get mad.
There are 206 bones in the human body, but I’d really like to have 207.
Do you know that no one finds Hitler a great guy?
But he really saved the History Channel.
Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me right now!
Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?
Me: Nah, not really.
Friend: What did they feel like?
Me: 7th grade.
Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)
I love sucking on food because if you really think about it, tits can be counted as food, so I could technically suck on a woman's tits.
I sexually identify as kilometers per second.
Cuz I really wanna km/s (kill myself).
How did people bully Helen Keller? They said, "Wow, that was the coolest thing ever! You really should have seen it!"
"You're really hot, I wanna hit on you like the plane hit the Twin Towers."
You know what's REALLY "Ironic"?
Answer:
These REALLY ARE the "Worst Jokes" I've ever heard!
