Really jokes

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

I really used to be into emo chicks. Now they just don't make the cut.

My cousin really loves baseball.

He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

What do you call a really fat psychic?

4chin Teller

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

Jill goes home one night with a guy she met at a club. He's tall, super hot, and seems different than most guys she meets. They arrive at his place and head straight to his room. Jill can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it in the rear! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too fuckin' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.

I don't know what makes BlessedBrian so STUPID, but it REALLY works!

I’m really good at algebra. I can replace your X without even asking Y.

What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?

"Damn, that's really stiff!"

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?

They both get really high.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

"How would you describe a really bad skeleton?"

"Bad to the bone!" (Or "Rotten to the bone" if you want.)

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

What word starts with n and ends with r and you wouldn’t wanna call a Black person?

You really thought n****r, didn't you?