You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.
It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I, being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?
Really?
Well, the one I fucked did.
I won't reply to every joke today because I want to say thanks to everyone for making funny jokes here. Every time I have a bad day (almost everyday), I always go here and read relatable jokes. It makes me happy and it's making me less anxious. I am really stressed with my school work and everything; I feel that I'm being left alone. Everyone compares me to others and all I can do is listen. I don't get enough sleep because of it... Reading these jokes entertains me and makes me laugh so hard.
I apologize for my grammar.
I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me, and we went for a run.
Stephen Hawking isn't really dead, he's just rebooting.
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.
One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
I told my sister I was into incest. She took it really hard. 😉😏
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
