you know what really gets me under my skin when im down? sharpener blades
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either really terrible news or really great news.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say "Tell me if you can hear me", then get in the trunk and start screaming.
I have an EpiPen
Friend gave it to me when he was as dying
It seemed really important to him that I have it
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
I was out for dinner with my 19 year old girlfriend. I being 42, had many people shouting at me, scolding me, calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
I won't reply on every jokes today because I want to say thanks (to everyone) for making funny jokes here... Every time I have a bad day (almost everyday), I always go here and read relatable jokes, its makes me happy and its making me less anxious. I am really stressed on my school works and everything, I feel that I'm being left alone. Everyone compares me to others and all I can do is listen. I don't get enough sleep because of it... Reading these jokes entertain me and making me laugh so hard. *I apologize for my grammar
I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me and we went for a run.
Stephen Hawkings isn't really dead, he's just rebooting
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “what do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed. Most women can’t pull off sarcasm
You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.
One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.
I told my sister I was into incest. She took it really hard. 😉😏
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Me having a good day Going on a walk on a peaceful day* my depression: hey whats up! Me: go away. My depression: well how rude. Me: 🙄. My depression: remeber that one tim...... Me: no, dont even. My depression: that we..... Me: nope. My deprssion: *says really fast*:said that one stupid joke that wasnt funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilt water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like yoy do every single night. Me: 😳😶😟. My depression: 😉 dont worry I'll always be here for you.
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection"... But she did.
