Reaction jokes

A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...

Ahem... if somebody you don't like, or somebody random just calls you in general,

answer the phone with this:

"Hello, thank you for choosing Mama's Pizzeria/Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, how may I help you?"

or

"Hello, this is David's Orphanage, you make them, we take them, how may I help you?"

Some people's reactions are priceless, and then they wonder about your mental health.

What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?

A freezer doesn't scream when you put meat inside it.

One time Michael Jackson had an allergic reaction from eating 12-year-old nuts.

I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.

Three drunk men get in a taxi. The driver knew they were drunk, so he started the car and turned it off. The first man gave him the money. The second man thanked him, but the third man slapped the driver. The driver, surprised that he noticed, asked why, and the third man replied with, "Why did you drive so fast?"

Heh.

You tell an orphan joke to an orphan. You start laughing, they start crying. They say they are going to tell their mom. Then you start laughing harder.

You are so ugly, when the devil saw you, he said, "Jesus Christ!"

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

Ayo wassup Nicka. AWWWW SHIET!

When a woman removes polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye, but when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, suddenly people lose their shit?

My friends told me to stop making suicide jokes, so I hanged on.

Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

First bite: Oh my God!

Second bite: Oh my, God!

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

Why did the brother cross the road? Because the sister farted.

When the school shooter breaks into the classroom, and you look at your friend because it's the kid you predicted.

A horse walks into a bar.

Several of the patrons quickly get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.

Richard: Mom, someone called me gay.

Richard's mom: Why didn't you slap him across his face?

Richard: No, I couldn't.

Richard's mom: Why?

Richard: Because he was cute.