Puns
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
What did the guy exclaim after inventing the shovel?
It is ground breaking!
Why doesn't Batman have super vision?
His parents died.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
What did Tennessee do?
The same thing Arkansas did.
What's better than roses on a piano?
Tulips on an organ.
What do you call a Russian tree?
Dimitree.
Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs.
What is a physicist's favorite food?
Fission chips.
Why did Marx never drink Earl Grey?
Because proper tea is theft.
What do you call a group of letters that like to dance but make you want to poop?
A vowel movement.
My life.
I was asked to give a bicycle joke, but I couldn't...
I was two tired.
What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison? I feel like a kid again.
What do you call a Chinese billionaire? Cha Ching.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.