Place jokes
Q: Where did Lucy go during the bombing?
A: Everywhere!
Why do orphans go to church?
Because it's the only place where they get to call him "father."
Women be like if men are gone, Earth would be a better place, (forgetting) women help to create war, weapons, animal and human cruelty, and have helped to enforce laws that oppress them.
Me after Taco Bell, "I’m about to blow this place up like September 11."
Why was Sonic fast?
To be rolling around at the speed of sound, got places to go, gotta follow my lead.
I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?
What Happens When You Get Caught On Fire?
— You Lost To Slmebody When You Were Playing Hide And Seek, And The Place Where You Got Caught Was Exactly On A Patch Of Fire.
They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Well, apparently, no one has ever been standing next to you.
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth one ducks.
When it's cold outside, men can cut ice in three places.
Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.
The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.
"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do it naked, that's a win-win."
"I'm an accountant," said the second man. "I just like how everyone here is dressed exactly the same."
The first two men turned to the third, sad man. "What do you do?" they asked.
"I'm a pickpocket," said the third man. "My doctor sent me here."
Which is the worst place to sit at in a wedding?
Between 2 buttcheeks.
What's the motto for a pizza place that's also an abortion clinic: Your loss is our sauce.
I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.
What's harder than titanium? Michael Jackson at the playground.
What’s a money-hungry politician's favorite place?
Jew York.
A woman walks into a bar and says, "Ow!"
Why can't women just shut the fuck up! I hate women. They need to know their place and stay in the kitchen and be baby makers...
Your hairline is so [bad] Will Smith can't slap it back in place.