Place jokes

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

My favorite place to make a bonfire? Orphanages, of course, silly!

Guy: Whose place? Mine or yours?

Girl: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I know this place may be cruel, but hang in there!

How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

Why do orphans cry at insurance places?

They got offered the family plan.

What is the only place fat people live?

Obi-city.

What goes up and down but stays in the same place?

Stairs.

When you are going back to where you live from a place that is a time zone behind where you live:

"Looks like I am going back to the future!"

If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?

Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.

Where do bunnies go when they're sick?

The hoppital.

I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.

Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.

...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.

One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,

"What part of the dog did you get?"

What's your favorite place that orphans can't go to?

Home.

I still don't know what's the worst, most dangerous place to take your children on holiday, but, for certain, it's either Vatican City or Neverland Ranch.

What's an Asian's favorite food place?

Answer: Petco

My son came up to me and said, "Mom, where are your parents?"

I stared in confusion. I said, "In a far place."

He asked, "In an orphanage?"