Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.
My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.
I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.
I got fired for not doing enough work.
Guess I didn’t put enough backbone into it.
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco.
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
Why can't Michael Jackson ever win in a race? Because he always comes in a little behind.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
Why can't disabled people make jokes?
Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?
So, I was at a stand up comedy show in Russia where the comedian was making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I loved the execution.
What is the one thing cripples can't do? ... Stand-up comedy.
These jokes are EGGxactly why I became a comedian, and I know how to BAKE on breakfast.
2 jokes in a row babyyyyy!
Q : Why did the ballerina get kicked off the stage at the performance?
She was standing way too close to the dancers.
There was a magician on board the Titanic and said that he could make anything disappear.
Once the ship had gone down one of the passengers said to him, "Go on, so what did you do with the ship then?"
There was once a Spanish magician. He said, "Uno, dos..." and he disappeared without a tres.
My impression of Michael Jackson's butler:
When answering the phone: "No, sorry, he's dead." *hangs up phone*
