Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss, and they don't know what can't hurt them.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside of people's houses? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG
Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.
Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.
Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.
I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.
My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.
Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.
You know what's the most awkward situation in the world? A rapper with erectile dysfunction.
Q: I have a fish that can breakdance! A: Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
How do emo bands prepare for their shows?
They self-harmonize.
Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.
My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.
I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco.
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
Why can't Michael Jackson ever win in a race? Because he always comes in a little behind.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
Why can't disabled people make jokes?
Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?
