Performance jokes
Sister: Wanna know the difference between your singing and your flute playing?
Me: Sure... (Expecting a completely different response than what I get.)
Sister: Nvm, they have no difference.
Me: *Confused*
Sister: They're both horrible.
Your dad went on America's Got Talent for "smoothest way to leave their child."
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
What goes up but never goes down?
My grades.
(I wish)
I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.
Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?
He woke up and found out it was true.
Please welcome Mozart's The Magic Flute...
In A minor.
He sing, he dance, he he.
Did you hear about that musical that was sung by some obsidian?
It rocked!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?
They were going through a stage!
Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
To get to the opera.
Cristiano Clapnaldo woke up FEELING DANGEROUS against Real Sociedad!
- 0 tapins! - 0 assists! - 3/3 dives! - 0 key passes! - 2 big chances missed! - 1/4 dribbles! - 2 Offsides! - 27 claps!
Better than Elanga?
Singing in the shower is fun, until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."
Why do priests perform baptisms? So they can see children wet.
What's the difference between Lana Del Rey and Milli Vanilli?
Milli Vanilli won a Grammy.
I suck his dick with a smile for hours at a time.
Stare at his nutsack while I hold back my cum tonight.
And when he ask me what position I say, "Doggystyle." (And when they ask me what position I say, "Doggystyle.")
But the fact is I can never get off of his fat dick. And all that they can ask is (Ask is, ask is) "I just wanna smack it" (I just wanna smack it)
Here's what the fact is He can put my asshole in a casket (Yuh, yuh, yuh) Asshole in a casket
So you can see I'm cummin' But you won't see me nut. And I'll just keep on suckin', I'm good (Yeah, I'm good)
And if he sucks my glizzy I will become dizzy But it keeps us busy, I'm good (Yeah, I'm good)
I've been twerking for boys for so long I've been flirting with boys for so long
My jaw's been hurting for so, so long it's real So long, it's real, so long, it's real
What is a Manchester United fan’s favourite TV channel? The History Channel.
Dude, Mississippi got a better K/D ratio than you.
*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*