Performance jokes
My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.
Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.
You know what's the most awkward situation in the world? A rapper with erectile dysfunction.
What do eggs like doing on stage?
Cracking jokes!
Q: I have a fish that can breakdance! A: Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
How do emo bands prepare for their shows?
They self-harmonize.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every play has a cast! Get it? Lol.
Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
Why did the orphan become a stripper?
So she could have someone to call daddy.
My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.
I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.
I got fired for not doing enough work.
Guess I didn’t put enough backbone into it.
If you slit your wrist while crying in pain, that's self-harm.
If you slit your wrist but have no expression, that's acting.
It isn't any of those if it's suicide.
I started an emo salsa band. We're called Hispanic at the Disco.
"You raise me up to stand on mountains," said the dwarf pornstar on my penis.
Why can't Michael Jackson ever win in a race? Because he always comes in a little behind.
Once I was asked to perform snail jokes at a stand-up comedy night. I certainly snailed it because the crowd thought it was shellerious.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
Did you hear about the magician who did magic with chocolate?
I heard he had loads of Twix up his sleeve.
I was about to go to sleep, but then I remembered my idol has 0 G/A, and it's mid-November. Thanks, Pessi, for ruining my sleep! 🤬
Why can't disabled people make jokes?
Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?