Occupation jokes
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What do altar boys and strippers have in common? Father issues.
You call, I'm putting on.
Frank (34) DJ.
Fishermen are the best at networking.
Memes
What did the pornstar say to the unemployed homeless man?
Get a fucking job.
Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.
Why do shepherds never learn to count?
Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.
What do you call a murderer with two butts? An assassin.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was out-standing.
A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.
But hay! It's in my jeans!
What do you do with a dead chemist?
You Ni-tro-gen!
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
What do you call an African American pilot?
A pilot, you racist bastard!
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he wanted to cook up some FIRE BARS!