Occupation jokes
What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.
What's a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.
My dad died in 9/11.
But he was the pilot.
What would be a good job for a fat person? A four-chin teller!
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
What do strippers and butter have in common?
Both spread for bread.
What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs, and sits in front of your door? Mat.
What do you call a person with no arms or legs at your front door? Mat.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
There's a blind hooker in town.
She never sees anyone coming.
I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.
What do you call a male prostitute in a bar...
Handy Andy.
Why are astronauts forgetful?
They're always spacing out.
It's not surprising there isn't a whole lot of good tree jokes.
Most foresters have a wooden personality.
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
Why didn't the pirate want to play cards?
Because he was standing on the deck!
What does the cross guard say to the cows crossing the road?
Mooooooooooo along!