Occupation jokes
What's a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.
My dad died in 9/11.
But he was the pilot.
What would be a good job for a fat person? A four-chin teller!
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
There's a blind hooker in town.
She never sees anyone coming.
I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.
Why are astronauts forgetful?
They're always spacing out.
Why didn't the pirate want to play cards?
Because he was standing on the deck!
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
What does the cross guard say to the cows crossing the road?
Mooooooooooo along!
Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fireplace?
'Cause he wanted to sleep like a log!
What does a construction worker say to another construction worker?
Screw you!
What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs, and sits in front of your door? Mat.
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
What do strippers and butter have in common?
Both spread for bread.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
What do you call a male prostitute in a bar...
Handy Andy.