Occupation jokes
What's a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.
My dad died in 9/11.
But he was the pilot.
What would be a good job for a fat person? A four-chin teller!
Memes
Why are astronauts forgetful?
They're always spacing out.
I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
There's a blind hooker in town.
She never sees anyone coming.
What does a construction worker say to another construction worker?
Screw you!
What does the cross guard say to the cows crossing the road?
Mooooooooooo along!
Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fireplace?
'Cause he wanted to sleep like a log!
Why didn't the pirate want to play cards?
Because he was standing on the deck!
What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs, and sits in front of your door? Mat.
It's not surprising there isn't a whole lot of good tree jokes.
Most foresters have a wooden personality.
What do you call a person with no arms or legs at your front door? Mat.
What do you call a male prostitute in a bar...
Handy Andy.
What do strippers and butter have in common?
Both spread for bread.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.