Occupation jokes
What was the name of Russia's first female traffic cop?
Ivana Pulyova.
What’s a hairdresser’s favorite roast? Flat iron roast.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
What's a spider-man’s dream job? Web developer.
What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.
My dad died in 9/11.
But he was the pilot.
What would be a good job for a fat person? A four-chin teller!
A programmer pushes a stroller through the park. An elderly couple comes along: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer replies, "Yes."
What do strippers and butter have in common?
Both spread for bread.
What’s the best part about being a circumcision doctor?
The pay is good and you also get to keep the tips!
I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
Why are astronauts forgetful?
They're always spacing out.
There's a blind hooker in town.
She never sees anyone coming.
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
Why didn't the pirate want to play cards?
Because he was standing on the deck!
What does a construction worker say to another construction worker?
Screw you!
Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fireplace?
'Cause he wanted to sleep like a log!
What does the cross guard say to the cows crossing the road?
Mooooooooooo along!
What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs, and sits in front of your door? Mat.