Not jokes
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
Enough of the sex jokes! I mean, come on, they are not even funny!
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
Why are cops worried about drunk drivers and not elderly drivers?
My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
"Lettuce" stop making vegetable puns. We don't carrot all about them and they're not a-peas-ing.
Why do disabled people not like comedians?
Because they do stand up.
How do you turn a cat into a fish?
Tell your girl not to wash down there.
I can't not believe you stupid fucks. This isn't funny. Just like a bunch of cunts not to believe there is nothing can't do.
BTW what do you call a manly woman's cunt? Nothing. Who gives a fuck?
This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
It's a life sentence!
What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It’s just a rental.
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
If you have a friend that will not leave you alone about something, just simply tell them: "If you watch something, have you ever thought that you're in a movie when you watch a movie?"
Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.
The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.
Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!
Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?
A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water.
WHERE DO THEY REALLY GO BECAUSE WATER CAN NOT BE AT THE TOP OF A HILL!?. I honestly think that only people with a physics degree can make nursery rhythms.
Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?
Because their dad never came back with milk.
You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.