Not jokes
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
What’s something you can say about your clothes but not your partner?
It’s just a rental.
Q: Why is marriage not a word?
It's a life sentence!
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
If you have a friend that will not leave you alone about something, just simply tell them: "If you watch something, have you ever thought that you're in a movie when you watch a movie?"
I can't not believe you stupid fucks. This isn't funny. Just like a bunch of cunts not to believe there is nothing can't do.
BTW what do you call a manly woman's cunt? Nothing. Who gives a fuck?
Why are cops worried about drunk drivers and not elderly drivers?
Why do disabled people not like comedians?
Because they do stand up.
How do you turn a cat into a fish?
Tell your girl not to wash down there.
This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now!
I'm not sure how I'm going to get to Heaven.
God had not built a ramp yet... or an escalator.
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar.
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Not Susie!"
Steven Hawking walks into a bar... Yeah.
(Not Original Joke)
A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,
"It's an elevator, not a lift!"
and
"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"
He keeps going on until the Englishman says,
"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."
If I were to not eat the last biscuit, I would feel "crumby."
Son: Hi Dad, I'm Son.
Dad: Hi Son, I'm Leaving You.
Years later:
Dad still did not come back.
Three conspiracy theories walked into a bar, now tell me that's not a coincidence!
Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.