Not jokes

A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,

"It's an elevator, not a lift!"

and

"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"

He keeps going on until the Englishman says,

"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

9/11 jokes are that deadly not even the towers could hold themselves up.

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

Arab rizz. Are you a tower? Because I wanna blow you up and don't let your friend know about this. Rashid, I told you not to blow it up, I had it.

The greatest Arab pilot, my grandfather.

Why do orphans not know if they're lactose intolerant?

Because their dad never came back with milk.

This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.

I can't not believe you stupid fucks. This isn't funny. Just like a bunch of cunts not to believe there is nothing can't do.

BTW what do you call a manly woman's cunt? Nothing. Who gives a fuck?

Why do disabled people not like comedians?

Because they do stand up.

How do you turn a cat into a fish?

Tell your girl not to wash down there.

Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.

What did the orphan say to its parents?

"Hey, Mom and Dad—oh wait, you're not my parents. I don't have none. Will you adopt me, please?"

They people: "No."

You are so fat that the last time you stepped on the weighing scale, the doctor said, "I want your weight and not [your] phone number."

Sister, you're ugly.

Other sister: I'm not your reflection.

PS. Sorry if it is not funny.

Q: How do you turn a cat into a fish?

A: Tell the woman not to wash down there.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water.

WHERE DO THEY REALLY GO BECAUSE WATER CAN NOT BE AT THE TOP OF A HILL!?. I honestly think that only people with a physics degree can make nursery rhythms.

Why can't orphans be robbers?

Because they're not wanted.

Why are orphans so naughty at school? It's not like the teacher is gonna call their parents.

Why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire?

'Cause he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.