Not jokes
Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.
Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.
What is the difference between an Isis training camp and a school?
Not sure, I just fly the drone.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they do not live in a swing state.
What did the rapper say when he stubbed his toe?
"Ouch! That's NOT a sick beat!"
You are like a software update. Whenever I see you, I immediately think, "Not now."
What did the passengers of the plane say when they saw the airplane strip? Nothing, because it was not an airplane strip, but a tower.
It's not a joke.
Is there a racist jokes page here? I’m not racist, I just want to know.
Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale the doctor asked for her weight, not her phone number.
I’m not religious, but you’re the answer to all of my prayers.
Why did the T-Rex not clap when you won a prize?
Because it's dead.
Tell the person next to you to spell "me." When they do, say, "You forgot the D." They should respond with, "There is no D in ME." You say, "Not yet." If this does not go as planned, well, then you are fucked for life.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
Be smart, not stupid.
Your hairline is so bad, not even God could save it.
Dark humor is like having parents, not everybody gets them.
Why did the skeleton not go to prom?
Because he had no body to go with.
Why is Newton not allowed to visit local farms?
The owners know that forces come in pears.
Why is there only a glory hole in the handicapped stall in some public men's restrooms?
Because a gay man that is not physically handicapped can't receive a blow job from a gay man that is physically handicapped under the handicapped stall.
When an American goes on a scale, the other person will say, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number!"
What is the difference between a Libertarian and a dumb polack?
Not much difference.