News jokes

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

Did you hear of my new job as a can crusher? It's soda pressing.

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

What do Chinese parents hate the most?

A newborn daughter...

Did you hear about the new Pixar movie? It's about cancer patients. It's called "Finding Kemo."

You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days.

But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"

There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:

"I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."

Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"

The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"

This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.

An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"

His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.

He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"

"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"

"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. "Oh, this handles so well!" they exclaimed.

Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear-ended them. The passenger said to his partner, "You tell that man he's gonna pay every single cent 'cause we're going to sue him!"

So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said, "What do you want, wimp?" The gay said, "You just hit our new Pink Porsche, and we're gonna make you pay every single cent 'cause we're gonna sue you!"

The trucker said, "Oh yeah? Blow me!" The gay driver went "Ohhh!" and ran back. The gay partner asked him, "What did he say?" His fruitcake driver said, "Ohhh! It's wonderful, he wants to settle out of court!"

A robot walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender is flabbergasted that a robot can do that.

"New around here?" said the bartender.

"Nah, been here a while," said the robot.

Bartender "You can talk?"

Robot "Yeah, pretty cool, huh."

Bartender "Why do you want a martini?"

Robot "Oh, I'm just in the mood for one, you know?"

The bartender is shocked to see a robot making completely normal small talk.

The robot seems to be just like a normal human.

"Wow, who programmed you?" asked the bartender.

"The top minds in the world," said the robot.

The robot speaks again, "I have a question for you..."

Bartender, "What?"

"Why did you read this entire story? It does not have a punchline. I just wasted your time. Get bamboozled, nerd!"

A day in the life of a Biden voter.

$2000 stimulus check? Nah, $1400...some day.

No more kids in cages? Nah, more kids in cages.

$15 minimum wage? Nah, $11. Maybe.

50k loan forgiveness? Nah. Lol.

No more deportations? Nah, they're still leaving.

Women's rights? Nah, dudes in women's sports.

New COVID bill? Nah, mostly bailouts and pet projects.

Cheap insulin? Nah, jack those prices up.

Defeat fascism? Nah, barbed wire fences around DC.

What do you call a 3 humped camel?

Answer: a prostitute from New York. 😂😭💀

Blitz: "HOLD ON! You better move that pussy wagon right now, or I’m gonna..."

Vortex: "You'll do what?"

Blitz: "Or I'll... uh... uh, I- I'll call HR!"

*Silence, then Verosika/me, Blitz, and Vortex bust into laughter. And then back to seriousness*

Verosika/me: "Anyway, meet my new Hellhound... Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well." *leaves and flips Blitz off* "Ta-ta fuck stain."

So basically Star25/AG3.0 and GG miller are the same person since I found some evidence.

On one post, AG3.0 asked GG miller what’s his name.

Post right here: worstjokesever.com/community/p/6509c2cbefa8ad0a8dfd8dc5

So gg miller replied, “MILLER IS MY REAL LAST NAME, AND GG IS MY REAL MIDDLE NAME”

So, we already know Star25’s real name is Adrian Gorges because when he had the AG3.0 account, he said that AG stands for Adrian Gorges. And we also can back this up with his tik tok. www.tiktok.com/@adriangorges2010?lang=en

But, there’s an important factor. Gorges can also be shortened to GG.

So, we know that GG miller is AG3.0, but let’s back this up even further. If you search up adrianmiller2010, it pops up with AG3.0’s new account’s videos. Since GG Miller’s name says, “Miller” in it, that means that GG Miller IS ag3.0

So taking all of this evidence, we can conclude that AG3.0’s full name, which is, “Adrian Gorges Miller”.

Lmk if you have any more things abouts ag3.0 so we can expose him even more.

A man bought a brand new iPhone but returned it, why?

The apple was already bitten.

Why did the mushroom get a new house?

Because there wasn’t mushroom!

A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital.

Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me, but I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically, it will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guy says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"