News jokes

Have you heard about the new Russian STD? Rottsmikokov.

A guy goes in to get some tests done. The doctor comes out and says, "I got good news and bad news." The guy says, "Ok, let's get the bad news out of the way." The doctor says, "The tests came back positive. You got two weeks to live." The guy says, "Oh My God!! Then what the hell is the good news?" Doctor says "You see that nurse over there, the one with the big tits? I'm screwin' her."

*New teacher walks in* New Teacher: Hi there, class. My name is Mr. Willy. I will be your math teacher.

*Me in shock, "Willy"* Me: Willy Wonka, is that you?

I told my mum that a few guys tell me that you're a MILF.

My mom said what that is. I reply, "Mom, I'd Like To Fuck." My mum started out to laugh, then she told me, "Well, now you need a new stepdad."

Your mama is so fat, when scientists discovered her, they thought it was a new galaxy.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.

How it be when the new guy takes too long...

Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.

Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.

Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.

Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.

Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Teacher: “If you got ten dollars from ten people, what would you have?”

Johnny: “A new bike!”

What did the blond say about the new iPhone?

Krabby Patty jizz sandwich.

You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

One thing led to another, now I have a new patio.

Who wants to buy my new NFT?

When Knife tells Annoying Orange, "I'm trying something new," Annoying Orange said, "Oh no, are you having a midknife crisis?" and then Annoying Orange laughs.

What's the 9/11 survivors' least favorite team?

New York Jets.

When my mom said you have to listen to classical music at my new school, I had to listen to it twenty-four seven. After that, I sang the song [with] the wrong melody for my music teacher 😎

My dad told me a new version of a happy birthday song:

Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too!

No offense to anyone reading this on their birthday.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

So I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”