In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?
A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.
We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."
There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.
When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.
She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"
54 students died that day.
Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. They went through 110 stories in under 10 seconds.
I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.
Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the concert?
Because he wanted to reach new heights in his performance.
My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.
So I brought her a new bathroom scale.
It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID.
None of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently.
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."
The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"
The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."
What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.
One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”
I threw a paper airplane at the twin sisters. The teacher was upset. I guess they don't read the news.
Ur hairline is like a Fortnite map at the start of a new season waiting to be identified.
I need to get new shoes; one of these isn’t right.
I like plants, but then I decided to turn over a new leaf and branch out.
"Scoop pa tun manaa?"
