News jokes

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

Why did Michael Jackson die?

Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.

I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."

He said, "What do you want?"

I said, "To be your new father."

"Really??!" the orphan said.

Me: Lol, no.

Orphan *Jumps into street*

Hi guys, the prankster is back!

I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...

When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!

Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!

Why didn’t the autistic boy like Minecraft?

There was a new texture pack.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!

New business idea: let's put a KFC in Africa and a watermelon shop.

A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.

One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”

What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper.

I threw a paper airplane at the twin sisters. The teacher was upset. I guess they don't read the news.

Ur hairline is like a Fortnite map at the start of a new season waiting to be identified.

There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.

Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.

Did you hear? There's a new fast food restaurant coming: Jacko in the Box.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID.

None of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently.

Why did the rapper bring a ladder to the concert?

Because he wanted to reach new heights in his performance.

The best football game was the Jets against the Twin Towers.