News jokes

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

These jokes are old, come up with something new!

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

So I saw a bag full of children near a dumpster. I guess we know where the orphans are when the parents didn’t want them.

Wouldn’t want to hope a Catholic priest comes along, otherwise the priest will have new sex toys.

I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.

Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑

KATGOD HERE IS A NEW CHAT BOX!

Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes? Neither has she!

His new music video has been leaked. It’s called “Living in a Tree.”

In the new Justice League movie, Flash can break glass by touching it, why is that?

Because Flash is not supported on Windows.

Why are they called "breaking news" in the entire world?

Because they are breaking the whole entire news.

When the C.I.A. raided Osama Bin Laden’s house, they found Steam on his computer. This means he was a gamer. He raged a little too hard and went for New York.

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast?

"Here's the beef of the week!"

Today, I invented a new word: "plagiarism."

What is the difference between your new teacher and a train?

Your teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Choo Choo!"

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

New teacher: "I was an orphan when I was young."

Student: "But!"

Teacher: "Is something missing?"

Student: "Your parents!"