News jokes

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

Roses are red, violets are blue.

These jokes are old, come up with something new!

So I saw a bag full of children near a dumpster. I guess we know where the orphans are when the parents didn’t want them.

Wouldn’t want to hope a Catholic priest comes along, otherwise the priest will have new sex toys.

What is the difference between your new teacher and a train?

Your teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Choo Choo!"

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.

Today, I invented a new word: "plagiarism."

What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast?

"Here's the beef of the week!"

Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑

I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.

Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes? Neither has she!

In the new Justice League movie, Flash can break glass by touching it, why is that?

Because Flash is not supported on Windows.

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

Why do New Zealanders have sex with sheep on the edge of cliffs? They push back harder.

His new music video has been leaked. It’s called “Living in a Tree.”

Why are they called "breaking news" in the entire world?

Because they are breaking the whole entire news.

When the C.I.A. raided Osama Bin Laden’s house, they found Steam on his computer. This means he was a gamer. He raged a little too hard and went for New York.

KATGOD HERE IS A NEW CHAT BOX!

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!