News jokes

Why do New Yorkers get what Spider-Man is saying?

Because he always makes spider-sense.

I was finally released from jail a year after I beat up someone on New Year’s Eve.

Don’t blame me for being suspicious of an Arabian counting down from ten.

My dad is Al-Qaeda, and he even took a plane trip to New York in 2001.

One day I was with my mom and we had no money on the credit card, and we live far, and my mom was hungry.

A guy and his friend had a car and asked us if we were lost. We said no, we have no ride, no money, and my mom is hungry. So the guy would take us for a blowjob each, so I was driving the car and my mom gave both guys a blowjob. We had to get out of the car to look for something, then the two guys went in the car and told us we got bad news and good news. I asked what the bad news was. They said that they're not taking us home, so I asked what the good news was. They told me that they fed my mom and drove off. I guess where they left us wasn't a long walk and my mom wasn't hungry anymore.

As a son, I was starting to do pranks. I told my mom’s boyfriend that she cheated on him and she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and I told him that my mom said that he had a small penis. He left my mom, and she was mad at me. I thought it was funny.

Then I told my friend’s girlfriend that he cheated on her with another girl, and the girl told me that my friend had a small penis. He found out and wanted to confront me in my house. I wasn’t home. My friend told my mom what happened. Then my mom said the same thing happened to me. I came home one day, I saw my mom giving my friend a blow job. I asked what’s going on. My friend told me, "Your mom is my new girlfriend," and my mom said, "This is the penis of my dreams."

So I saw a bag full of children near a dumpster. I guess we know where the orphans are when the parents didn’t want them.

Wouldn’t want to hope a Catholic priest comes along, otherwise the priest will have new sex toys.

I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.

Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑

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Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes? Neither has she!

His new music video has been leaked. It’s called “Living in a Tree.”

In the new Justice League movie, Flash can break glass by touching it, why is that?

Because Flash is not supported on Windows.

Why are they called "breaking news" in the entire world?

Because they are breaking the whole entire news.

When the C.I.A. raided Osama Bin Laden’s house, they found Steam on his computer. This means he was a gamer. He raged a little too hard and went for New York.

I'm a pilot and my boss told me to fly people to New York, so I flew them to New York and hit the towers. That was a tragic story.

What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast?

"Here's the beef of the week!"

Today, I invented a new word: "plagiarism."

What is the difference between your new teacher and a train?

Your teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Choo Choo!"

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.