Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑
I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.
Have you seen Dolly Parton's new shoes? Neither has she!
KATGOD HERE IS A NEW CHAT BOX!
In the new Justice League movie, Flash can break glass by touching it, why is that?
Because Flash is not supported on Windows.
Why are they called "breaking news" in the entire world?
Because they are breaking the whole entire news.
When the C.I.A. raided Osama Bin Laden’s house, they found Steam on his computer. This means he was a gamer. He raged a little too hard and went for New York.
I told my mom I'm happy and she said: "I didn't know you were gay."
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.
It's my New Year's resolution.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
These jokes are old, come up with something new!
Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!
What is the difference between your new teacher and a train?
Your teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Choo Choo!"
I got a new job at a trampoline park the other day. If I’m being honest, it’s got its ups and downs.
Today, I invented a new word: "plagiarism."
What does a news anchor cow say for the weekly broadcast?
"Here's the beef of the week!"
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”
“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”
A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.
The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
Did you hear on the news that a midget psychic broke out of jail?
There is a small medium at large.
But she hasn't tried the position with her new boyfriend, so she invites him to a romantic dinner.
After dinner, she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it, but her boyfriend was clueless about such acts, so she tells him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 position. She starts sucking him off and starts waiting for him to do the same, but the bf didn't know what to do, so he just lay there. Suddenly, the girl had an urge to fart but held it in because her asshole was right near his bf's face. Suddenly, she loses control and lets one out. She apologizes profusely and continues sucking him. A couple of minutes later, she feels the urge again and lets another fart rip near his face. The BF throws the girl from the couch, gets up, and says, "Bitch if you think I'll be lying here for 67 more of those, you're fucking crazy."
So, my mom looked in the mirror today, and we need a new one.
