News jokes

So, my mom looked in the mirror today, and we need a new one.

What's the difference between China and New York City?

In China, the Asians ride ON the trains. In New York City, they usually end up riding UNDER them.

Did you hear about that new emo pizza? It cuts itself!

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

Have you ever been to the new Disney park called SawCon?

SawCon deez nutz!

Have you ever heard about the new virus in China? It's called Hupun.

Hupun DEEZ NUTS!

I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

Karien: Mom, I don't care if you're dating a new guy, I want you and Dad to be together!

Daiana: Sometimes things don't work out, like when it didn't work between your father and me. Time to move on, Karien.

Karien: Well I'm not moving on! I can't believe you love someone else!

Daiana: Karien, just give him a chance. His name is Derek, he loves cooking, cleaning, and anything that has you doing something.

Karien: That is so boring!

Daiana: Well just work with me please?

Karien: I'll give you a day... 24 hours, Mom!

🚘 What is as old as the earth 🌎 and new every month? The moon.

Did you hear about the person who died? I would tell you about him, but he died.

I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."

He said, "What do you want?"

I said, "To be your new father."

"Really??!" the orphan said.

Me: Lol, no.

Orphan *Jumps into street*

There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."

Have you heard the new pickup line in a gay bar?

Can I push your stool in for ya?

Why did Michael Jackson die?

Because I have a new phone number, and he does not know.

There's a new game in the arcade where kids can hit raging paedophiles with a mallet: Whack-A-Jack, oh!

Hi guys, the prankster is back!

I was gone for a long time because of this bullying about a nice sweet girl named Gwen! So my 6th prank is on...

When I put some bad stuff in my sister's toothpaste bottle!

Okay, so I took some smelly mints from the jelly bean game! I had molded cheese jelly bean, molded milk, and worms jelly bean! Jelly bean tasting is this game where weird tasted jelly beans are in there, so I got some mints and put it there! Then next thing you knew was, my sassy ass sister had her breath smelling like a chimpanzee's buttock!

All terrorists like starting a new year off with a bang.

Dulux have created a new type of paint. It's called "Sue Grey." It covers up everything.

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.