Need jokes

What does a pumpkin need when it's hurt? A pumpkin patch.

Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?

Kid: Why?

Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.

Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.

Man: Why?

Kid: I'm an orphan.

Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!

(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

Yo mama is so fat, she doesn't need internet, she's already WORLDWIDE.

The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.

I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.

Money, money, green, green. Money is all I need, need.

Drake has too much meat. Donate to the people in need.

Yo mama so thick, they need an aircraft carrier to take her places.

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.

Texter 2: How?

Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.

Yo mama so fat when she goes to the shoe store, she needs to take their advice and get XXXXL.

Why did the rapper bring a pencil to the concert?

In case he needed to drop some FRESH LINES.

Why did the short person become a chef?

Because they could "microwave" dinner without needing a stool!

Why do you need an AR-15?

So my son can use it if he's being bullied at school.

When recycling toilet paper, you really need to process the crap out of it.

Conversely, you can recycle a condom quite easily: just turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

What do you do in India when you need to tell the time but don't have the money for a watch?

You bob your head from side to side like a metronome.

What is the difference between a man and a woman packing boxes?

The man says, "I have everything I need."

The woman says, "I love everything I have."

Yo Mama so dumb, she needs 10 explanation bears to understand you.

When Leicester City won the league in 2015/16, do you think there was a little lad in Africa running around with "Drinkwater" on his back, annoying the hell out of the locals?