Need jokes

You’re so short, you must need a ladder to reach your advice and dreams.

I was talking to a Muslim yesterday, and he asked me what it's like to be blind.

I happened to tell him about 20 jokes; in fact, I was working on my twentieth. So I answered with, "At least I don't have to screw in light bulbs. It's not like I need the damn things anyway."

Me: Why did the bus drop his ice cream?

Sanity to live: I don't know?

Me: He was run over by Timmy!!!

Sanity to live? *dies*

Me: *At edge of bridge* Wow, sweet view.

Sanity to live: *resurrected*

Narrator: Sometimes a bridge is all you need...

(sponsored by jumping bridges)

I have special needs, and I was born with it.

Yo mama so fat that you need a jack stand to get her up.

What does cake and baseball have in common?

They both need a batter.

I'm always willing to go down on a special needs girl.

Momma always told me to eat my vegetables.

Man: Why can't an orphan use Verizon?

Kid: Why?

Man: 'Cause they have a family plan.

Kid: Oh, then I need to switch phone services then.

Man: Why?

Kid: I'm an orphan.

Man: *laughs out loud* That's tough!

(You can tell the joke shortened by saying, "Why can't an orphan use Verizon? 'Cause they have a family plan.")

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

Siri is so ugly that she needs to go in the dumpster. She's so ugly that she needs to go in the toilet.

Money, money, green, green. Money is all I need, need.

Yo mama's so fat, when she wants to take a bath, they need to make more H2O.

Your mom is so fat that when she stood on a scale, it said, "We need an actual person, not an elephant!"

"Hola, soy Dora. Do you see the cliff? Say, "backpack." Tell her that we need Amanda. While I push her off the cliff, you will not peek. Did you just peek? Close your eyes, you silly goose." The end.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Goliath.

Goliath who?

I need to Goliath down and sleep!

Why did the rapper bring a pencil to the concert?

In case he needed to drop some FRESH LINES.

The Emo kid was late to his flight, so he needed to cut to the chase.

Yo mama so fat that when she took a selfie, she needed two phones.

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."