Need jokes

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.

-JFK

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

Why did God make pigs before politicians?

He just needed some practice.

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

Now, how about that drink?

Need a sock puppet for a joke.

"Hey Soccy?" "What?" "Where do you come from?" "The laundry bin... I don’t wanna talk about it!" 🤣

My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.

What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts.

What do you need an apple because you got an "izzy?"

You used to call me on your cellphone when you need my love.

Mad girl: SHUT UP! YOU ARE SO ANNOYING! I DON'T WANT TO CALL YOU ON MY CELL PHONE!

What’s the best thing about midgets??

They don’t need to bend while giving blowjobs.

There has to be someone that hates watersharky. He curses at you if you say one thing about his friends or him. He just is mean and needs to leave.

Your mom is so fat that she doesn't need WiFi because she is worldwide.

"Out of the way, I need to Caterpie."

I just gotta come out and say it: I like miners, and I don’t care what y’all think. I mean the fact that they are risking their lives just to make ours a little easier is amazing. I’ve always wanted to marry one, to be honest. Y’all need to give more respect to the mining ⛏ community.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I need your peach, and I'll torture you with a speech.

Your hairline legit looks like the Himalayan mountain range, except you need binoculars to find it.

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."