My jokes
Me and my friend roasting each other.
Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.
Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
*New teacher walks in* New Teacher: Hi there, class. My name is Mr. Willy. I will be your math teacher.
*Me in shock, "Willy"* Me: Willy Wonka, is that you?
What did the 3-year-old boy say to the priest?
"My bum hurts."
When my friend eats a mint, I say, "Hey, is it mint to be sweet?"
My job is so amazing.
Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.
Want to hear a joke? I swear it isn't about my life again.
My mom and dad made a joke together and called it "yeetsu" (me)!
I’m here to collect my bounty, what’s your bounty? Your pants.
If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery... I’ll kill him with my bear hands.
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
What's the difference between milk and my dad?
Nothing, I apparently am allergic to both because I never see either of them.
One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.
The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.
A piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh, Bunsen, my flame," the sodium swooned. "I melt whenever I see you!"
The Bunsen burner replied, "Calm down. It's just a phase you're going through."
My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.
My friend Andrew once told me that "weird is high and drunk at the same time."
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
OWWWWWWWWWWW I JUST GOT A CUT ON MY BUTT. Oh wait, that’s always been there.
Lick my BALLS!
I was at school with friends. One of my friends had hair in her armpits. The rest of my friends and I tried not to laugh or say anything, until one of my friends laughed and told her she had hair in her armpits, so she ran to her locker to get hair remover and went to one of the restroom stalls.
High school crush: Why do you always look so sad?
Me: My mom is dead, and my favorite grandma, and my uncle killed both of them, and now he's in jail.
High school crush: Shit. Sorry about that.
Me: And my crush hasn't asked me out.
High school crush: Who is it?
Me: You.
Him: Goodbye (as he runs away and never comes back)
Me: Fuck that.