My jokes

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

My grandfather died in 9/11.

He was a great pilot.

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

My life is a joke.

Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?

Mom: No.

Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.

A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.

"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"

The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?

They both died with red rings.

I wanted to play as Kobe in my console, but the game crashed.

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

I asked my rigger buddy if he could tie me up later, he said, "I'm a frayed knot."

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"

One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."

A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"

"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"

I call my friends Dodo birds. Because they don't exist.