My jokes

Twitter just blew my mind.

I was having a blast until I ended the stream with a bang!

One day I was working at the bank, doing my job. Then suddenly a woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Then I told her that her balance is un-balanced.

MY NAME IS JEFFFFFFFF!

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

I wanna die cos I lost my horse on Minecraft.

I love playing games with my family.

My sister told me words don't hurt her, so I chucked a dictionary at her.

Dear Orphans,

I have a better orphanage for you. It's my basement :)

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

One day I asked my mom where kids came from. She said the man who went to the milk store.

Five years later, he came back and left again.

My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!

Just cut my thumb open with a knife (not a joke).

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

My kids told me to have a good day, so I left them to their own devices and hoped for the best.

My wife accused me of being immature, so I kicked her out of my "boys fort."

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

You're so fat that you're gonna be my next hamburger for dinner and the next In-N-Out, just like your parents.