My jokes

When your friend asks why you don't smile, then you look at them and realize no one is there because you have no friends. #my life

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.

We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.

I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!

I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

Whoever took my anti-depressant pills,

I hope you're fucking happy.

My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

I walked in on my dad fucking my little brother. I don't know what was worse: the fact that he was fucking my brother, or the fact that the abortion clinic let my parents take the fetus home....

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

I asked my mom where babies come from. She said I came from the adoption center.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.