My jokes

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.

I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!

I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.

Despite my devilish attitude, I have the heart of a small boy.

I keep it in a jar on my desk.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

Whoever took my anti-depressant pills,

I hope you're fucking happy.

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

My life is a joke.

My grandfather died in 9/11.

He was a great pilot.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

Yo mama is so fat, that when I unfollowed her on Instagram, my phone got 1 GB of storage.