My jokes

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

What is Bill Cosby's favorite poem? Roses are red, my cum is blue, I'll wait till your asleep to rape you.

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

I was going on a date when I decided to put on Penaldo’s PR7 cologne to smell good. As I put on the cologne, my skin started to turn invisible!

I then realized the cologne had made me turn into a ghost 👻. Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my date 😡!

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

My friend once said my opinion didn't matter. I said, "Why did you call me a female?"

Whoever took my anti-depressant pills,

I hope you're fucking happy.

Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?

Mom: No.

Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

Mum: If your friend jumped off a cliff, would you?

Me: Oh yeah, no doubt my friend wouldn't even have to jump first.

I told my friend that if he ever wants 50% off something at a store, just to take me with him and scan my wrist.

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

My grandfather died in 9/11.

He was a great pilot.