My jokes

Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?

My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).

I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.

"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.

"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."

The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."

The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"

"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.

"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"

My friend said having sex is a lot like your first football game.

You're bloody and bruised, but at least your dad was there.

The other day, I stumbled upon a comic strip in the newspaper. As I started reading, I could feel a smile creeping onto my face. The characters were so relatable, their situation so absurd, yet so familiar, it was impossible not to find it amusing.

The punchline was unexpected, yet it made perfect sense within the context of the story. It was that surprise, that sudden twist, that made me burst out laughing. It was as if the comic strip had set up a joke and I had walked right into it, completely unsuspecting. The laughter bubbled up from within me, a spontaneous reaction to the unexpected humor.

In that moment, I realized the power of humor. It's not just about making people laugh. It's about bringing joy, about making people see the world from a different perspective, even if just for a moment. And that's why I found that comic strip so funny. It wasn't just a joke, it was a moment of joy, a moment of surprise, a moment of seeing the world in a different light.

I've never worn my gay sweater, it hasn't come out of the closet yet.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and a computer?

I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

I went fishing while watching porn, and my girlfriend said, "Well, you want my fish?" and I said, "But you're not in the water."

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

Yo mama so ugly,

my screen cracked when she took her photo!

What's the difference between me and my best friends?

At least one of us has a house.

So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster... Now it doesn't work.

My first name is Al and my last name is Coholic :) #yuengling.f/wat

My dad told me I'm a failure.

I failed a math test.

Good thing there's a pole outside my house.

My friend playing truth or dare asked me: "Dare".

My friends: "I dare you to go home."

My name is Bob, and I am a cow.

My grandfather was a knight, and his name was Sir Loin.

So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?