My jokes

Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.

Mom: OMG, why son?

Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.

Think about it, then spread LMAO.

I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a "fret."

Your hairline's less straight than my dad's.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Yo, little sister, pussy taste so GOOD on my TONGUE!

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?

Definitely not 13, because my basement is still dark.

Who sucked on my cock?

Answer: You.

A Chinese teacher's phone rang as he was going to class, and he said:

"My phone the ring ring, it's my wife ring ring."

Why is my plane delayed?

Because someone hit the Sears Tower.

What do you call lesbians having sex?

My cheating dyke ex-wife!

My sister Wani is a dwarf, so I sit on her as a chair.

I was naughty at school and my teacher said she's going to tell my dad. I was like, "Who's that?"

My dad died in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

"Cummy wummy all over my mummy."

Last week I found out my toaster is waterproof.

People in 1912: The Titanic is unsinkable!

Iceberg: Hold my beer.

My Mom said, "I have a daughter that killed herself for getting bullied."

Well, I said, "Have you seen her?"

Mom: Son, where are my condoms?

Son: What are condoms?

Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.

Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?

Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.

Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.

I have fuck and sex with all the sexy naked ladies and they suck my balls (penis), but you ain't have no girlfriend. Your only friend, they call him ching chong coz of your hairline.

A Middle Eastern man comes to the states to do a stand up show. He starts by saying “2 Jews walk into a bar, NOT IN MY COUNTRY!”