My jokes

Why did my brother cross the road?

Because he was looking for his brain.

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

I asked my dad what his previous job was. He said: "I was a post until I met your mother."

So, I went up to an emo and I said, "Why did you steal my bar code from my chips?"

I fell in love with my teacher.

Which is weird because I am home schooled.

Roses are red, my pencil is blunt.

A parrot trapped on a roof keeps telling the fire crew to f*ck off!

As ruler of a kingdom, I wanted a knight. Duke Leo Pessi IV offered himself but wanted a wife in return. I offered my beautiful daughter to him. However, he slapped her and proceeded to wreck my castle. All this whilst crying “I don’t want princess, I want farmer!”

DAMN YOU PESSI!

Dababy in my dickle trickle when eating my pickle.

What do Gay Men and Minorities have in common?

My dad hates them both!

I wish my ex-wife would take me back. :(

I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”

He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”

My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.

My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!

What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.

Yo, hairline is as accurate as my jump shot.

Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?

My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).

I asked God why nobody likes me. He showed a reflection of myself.

I got barred from Weight Watchers today.

It wasn't my fault; it was the fat ass next to me who spilled her box of Maltesers onto the floor in the middle of the room. All I did was say that it was the funniest game of Hungry Hungry Hippos that I have ever seen.

Suck my balls!

My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.