My jokes

My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

Suck my dick!

(Ron Jeremy)

My mom said the only way to cure depression is to do what she does. She's dead.

Friend: Do you know him?

Other Friend: Know who?

Friend: My dick!

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

Orphan: I want to kill my parents.

Random kid: I don’t think you have the facilities to do that, big man.

There was an Indian riding in the desert when he saw a little blond-haired white girl up ahead. He heard her crying. So he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her, "Hey, what’s going on? Why are you crying? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The bandidos came, killed my father, my brothers, then my mother, and raped my sister."

The Indian just laughed, untied and dropped his breechcloth, then said, “Guess this isn’t your day, is it?”

When the husband said "Is your ass so big?" she said "Because I am holding my shit."

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

Yesterday, I tried to help a little girl by a road stop crying. I asked her where her parents were, and that made her cry harder. So then I asked her where her house was, and she said with tears, "I don't have one." So I got her in my car and drove her to where she said she was living. It was an orphanage.

My diet consists of Blood Pudding, I love it and have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my secret ingredient though?

It consists of the blood and insides of my victims, it’s a bit chunky sometimes, some bits chewy, some bits hard, but it’s a hearty meal.

What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.

If I was going to the doctor, he asked me to turn around, and he stuck a nettle in my ass.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

My arm has a different texture than the rest of me, lol.

What do my balls and emos have in common?

...Nothing, they both hang themselves...

Friend: My mum took my phone from me, and I really want it back.

Me: Yeah, well, Hades took my parents from me, and the funny thing is, I don't want them back.

Bill Cosby on rape: "But, I heard, 'my body, my choice.'"

My wife's dyslexic, but hey, nobody's perfect.