My jokes

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

I lost my job at the bank. Some lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her.

I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.

He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.

At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.

A "monster" that has 2 heads, 2 bodies, 6 feet, why am I not afraid of the "monster"? It's my dad riding a horse.

The bears came home. Daddy bear said, "Who's been eating my porridge?" said, "Who's been in my porch?" Baby bear said, "Never mind about the porridge, who knocked the telly?"

My friend: I want to cut myself.

Me: No, don’t do that. *hands lighter* Do this instead.

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.

Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.

Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.

Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.

My life is like... the shoe rack-

Wow! The jokes on here are so dark they pick my cotton!

Read my name.

I left my Avatar at home today.

What did the parent say to M.J.?

"Get off my kid!"

Me: Hey! Look at my drawing of deez!

My babysitter: Very nice! But, uh, what’s deez?

Me: (¬‿¬)

Me: Hey, were you born on a highway?

My enemy: Uh, no, why?

Me: Because that’s where most accidents happen.

When people ask my age, this is what I do.

“🥱 I DON’T CARE.... ÆAHAHAHAHAHAÆAAÆ!”

First bite: Oh my God!

Second bite: Oh my, God!