My jokes

My favorite Pixar film: Wall-E.

Your life? Wanna hear a sadder one?

My life.

My PC.

My uncle died from falling off a ladder and landing on his head (true story).

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put my uncle together again.

I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.

My therapist said, "Time heals all wounds," so I cut her.

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."

My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers; I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job.

I keep hearing "Obesity kills."

My only question is "Why is it taking so long?"

My brother was stuck in a wheelchair after a motorbike accident. He became a swimming champion until I took the VR headset off.

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.

"Mayotte’s are sinking in the yogurt! (My Oat’s)" 🇾🇹🇾🇹🇾🇹🇾🇹🇾🇹🇾🇹

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I decided to take her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Louis Armstrong and Tork Poettschke go for a walk.

One says to the other, "My wife always says that icke is no worse than the other men."

"How many men does your wife have?"

Texter 1: You know People treat me like a god.

Texter 2: How?

Texter 1: They ignore my existence unless they need something.

My grandpa was the goat, he killed Hitler! 🥳🥳🥳

I barged into a Halloween party at my school with my air-soft AR-15!

I was so scary, EVERYONE ran away!

My friend died. Me and my other bestie start singing the coffin song. My bestie in the coffin, why are you not sad? Why are you still alive?

Dentist said I grind in my sleep... he a real one for that.

My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.

I worry about him sometimes.