My jokes

I didn't put my kids up for adoption.

My live.

I remember my grandfather's last words:

"Are you holding the ladder?"

My mom

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

My boy is so distracted and the kids are doing great. I will be make $500000.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.

Cereal is like... breakfast soup made out of corn flakes.

Ketchup is like... a smoothie because of the tomato.

Coffee is like... a bean drink energizer.

My life is like... the shoe rack-

I was watching The Perfect Murder with my boyfriend. It was a good movie, but the weird thing was that my boyfriend was taking notes throughout the whole movie.

When people ask my age, this is what I do.

“🥱 I DON’T CARE.... ÆAHAHAHAHAHAÆAAÆ!”

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

My plants in my garden are like the Twin Towers; neither of them fell, just the flowers.

I'm dyslexic. My sister was reading, "What's the book?" I asked. She showed me the cover. "You reading 'The Scared Bull'?" I asked. She started laughing. "No, 'The Sacred Bull'!"

My guy: I have a Q-Tip.

Me: You can Q my tip.

My guy: Ayo!

I traveled through time to get my dad back.

I failed because I was 1e21 years off.

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

My bro’s parents died, but he didn’t know why.

Turns out they died because he was a failure, and he would be going to an orphanage in 4 days.

The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!